things that i’ve realized those past few days:
- people are cruel just because they can
- if you are naive enough to think that you don’t have to defend yourself and deny accusations about you, you will be torn into pieces
- people can easly turn something as pure as love into the ugliest kind of hate
- for some a broken heart can be a justification to hurt others and get away with it
- there are people that, no matter how hard you try to help, will always be going down and dragging you along
- naive people will always attract those that can use and torment them
- there is actually a high possibility that people won’t believe you even if you say the truth; they will believe in what’s easier to believe in or in someone that is more persuasive
- when you don’t defend yourself thinking you don’t have to because ‘only guilty people do’ or anything like that, others will use your silence as an excuse to make you suffer; you don’t want to fight? they will do whatever it takes to make you react to their actions
- when people immediately believe in bad things about you, they do not deserve you
- sometimes when you just want to stay true to yourself others will take that as a weakness and use it against you
- no one deserves to be bullied but there will be always someone who is a bully at heart and there is nothing you can do about it
- when too many horrible things happen at the same time it’s very hard to fake a smile and pretend it’s all good
- and also, when you are at your lowest there will be always golden lights of hope in the dark that will help you make it through; people that make your life so wonderful and full of warmth; people you will never forget about when the sun rises again
stick and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me stick and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me
actually, no. no matter how many times i repeat it in my head it’s not true, it will never be true. if hurting myself would make all those cruel words disappear, i would do it. i would do much more just to make them stop shouting in my head. please please make it stop. i don’t deserve it. no one does. the world where people hurt other people just becasue they can is too horrible to live in.
of course, dearest. but it’s going to be a long story and i’m not sure if you really want to be bothered with it…
oh well. to tell you the truth, the most accurate answer is everything. i’m struggling with life. it all began with a girl, a friend of mine, that liked me much more than i liked her. no one was at fault, you cannot chose the direction of your feelings. but she didn’t understand that. she was struggling with a similar situation with a boy and somehow it all got mixed up in her head and she blamed me for everything. blamed me for the fact he didn’t love her, blamed me she was suffering, blamed me i couldn’t be hers… and even though i know it’s not true, the weight of this blame started to become heavy on my shoulders. whenever she saw me she looked at me with anger and disgust but i didn’t say a word for i believed she was suffering and she didn’t know what she’s doing. she started saying awful things about me but i just covered my ears. it’s all right really, i tell myself over and over again. but then she was not my only problem. then i found out an old friend of mine killed himself. sigh, even now it’s painful for me to write about this. he jumped off the roof of the shopping mall. he was in love. he got dumped. he couldn’t take it. we didn’t talk much lately, our friendship was more like a memory, fading away. but i know that we cared about each other, even from the distance. and it hurts, it still hurts to even think about it.
then that girl found herself new friends which made me happy since i didn’t want her to be alone (still knowing i couldn’t be the one by her side). those new friends, though, where people from my japanology class and it got confusing and even more complicated. you see, instead of dealing with her problems she involved more and more people in them and she bathed in them when she should get out of this dark water long time ago. then the exam session started to get closer and i cannot focus on anything really. i know i will fail one exam for sure now and overall i have 13 of them… and i don’t know, i suppose i’m just tired of it all. and frustraded. because i believe i’m not at fault here. yet she made it look otherwise because the world through her eyes is a cold, dark place. but still i don’t want to hurt her, i don’t want to hurt anyone. so i hide my sorrow deep inside of me and in the result i feel miserable.
now i’m starting to understand that usually people don’t really want to know the truth. they accept what they are told and don’t even question whether it’s right or wrong. is it a bad thing that i don’t fight for my truth? that i don’t scream and shout and make people see that i got thrown into this chaos and got hurt many times because of it? maybe, maybe not. but it’s just not who i am.
i want out.
i’ve done some minor changes to my blog again. the blogroll page is more visible and easier for everyone to see. i also added a background to it so now all those beautiful people i follow look like spirits of nature wandering around the forest.
i’m in the library right now and there was this boy sitting next to me. he was reading one of my favourite books and i don’t know, i suppose i found him interesting. interesting enough for me to throw a little note into his backpack when he went somewhere. i’m almost sure i had a little heart attack so yeah, this is as far as i can go. wonderful.
i’m positive he won’t notice it because he had a big mess there but i think i did it for myself more than for him, if that makes any sense.
anyway, back to studying.
3 hours left of possible sleep and lots of things that are still to be done, sigh. there is a long day ahead of me and i fear i won’t have enough strength to survive it in one piece. i fear a lot of things.
the darkest hour is just before the dawn, right? perhaps everything will look much better in the sunlight.
i was driving in a bus today and when i was crossing the river i turned my head so i could admire the peaceful waves for as long as possible, like i do everyday. and there on the east bank i saw someone, a man. you see, the west riverside is the one near the city centre and is covered in concrete. the east side though, is full of greenery. you could go there at night, make a bonfire and sit on the fallen trees or the grass, moist from the dew. as you probably figured out alredy the east side is less frequently visited. and there was this man. sitting on a tree trunk by the river all by himself. i was on a bridge quite far away from him and i only noticed his white shirt. was he old or young? i will never know. the bus was riding fast and with a blink of an eye he was gone.
the man sitting on the east side of the river all by himself. for this brief moment i remember thinking that i could love him.
Sigh, I’ve just sent a message to a friend form russian classes that I won’t be there tomorrow to write a test because I don’t feel well but the truth is I just didn’t find the strength to study… I don’t know. I’m looking at my notes right now, perhaps I can force myself and study a little? I would have to write it sooner or later anyway. Sigh sigh.
I had a very strange dream last night. I remember walking through an underground car park while talking with my mother on the phone. Then suddenly all the lights went off and I immediately knew what was going on. ‘They are after me, mom’ I said to her and explained how kids used to verbally bully me at school. Odd. I’ve never had the strength to talk about it with my mother yet I did it with such ease in that dream, like it was nothing. I started walking down the stairs when something hit me on the head and I fell down. I remember holding my phone tightly and someone taking it away from me anyway. They were kicking me in the stomach and throwing things at me and, as unbelievable as it sounds, I didn’t mind. I thought that’s ok. That these are just physical injuries and sooner or later they will be gone. I was perfectly calm. At some point they stopped and I stood up. A bunch of teenagers surrounded me, screaming at me with pure anger in their eyes. They were accusing me of something I cannot quite recall but I remember that I explained to them calmy that I did not do what they thought I did. They realized all of this was a mistake and started to feel really ashamed of themselves. Most of them run away or hid in the shadows and only one blonde girl and bearded boy left. ‘Sorry’, they said and I smiled. The girl handed me somekind of a stick and explained that if I put it deep enough in my mouth I would be able to throw up whatever I ate and become skinny, just like her. The boy just looked at me and said I should go home. I nodded and when I was about to open the door he handed me an odd looking gun, not sure what for.
That is when I woke up with a light headache.
